Aries, March 21st–April 19th

When Rashomon came out, critics and audiences had divided views on it. No-one really agreed, as if they’d all seen different films.

Taurus, April 20th–May 20th

“Yeah, I’m povertymaxxing. Got myself a nine-bar fire.”

Gemini, May 21st–June 21st

But even if it is your first rodeo, surely it’s pretty f**king obvious what you need to do.

Cancer, June 22nd–July 22nd

Great news! Nigel Farage has been sucked back into the cursed Cluedo set from whence he sprang!

Leo, July 23rd–August 22nd

“Waitress, there’s tea and coffee all over the table!” “Yes, sir. These hot drinks are literally bottomless.”

Virgo, August 23rd–September 22nd

Oops, trousers are feeling a bit tight after Christmas. Should probably stop taking all that Viagra Mum bought me.

Libra, September 23rd–October 22nd

Not to brag, but I earn more money in one day than most seagulls earn in a whole fortnight.

Scorpio, October 23rd–November 22nd

“Aunt elope? Well yes, she did, but I don’t see how that’s any of your business, guide on my African safari.”

Sagittarius, November 22nd–December 21st

When God closes a door, he opens a conspicuously empty Turkish barbers in your small town.

Capricorn, December 22nd–January 19th

Someone must have been telling lies about Josef K, for he woke up to find himself trending on social media.

Aquarius, January 20th–February 18th

Looking into a pram, smiling and saying ‘You know, I also often shit myself.’

Pisces, February 19th–March 20th

Terror at 9,000 Fathoms? Terror’s terror, mate. Cost you a lot less at sea level.