A WOMAN proudly telling everyone 2026 will be when everything in her life slots into place is as wrong as she was a year ago.

Donna Sheridan, 32, is convinced that a purely numerical change in her circumstances will lead to all her personal ambitions and desires being fulfilled. Sadly there is no evidence to support this.

Sheridan said: “This will be the year my life becomes complete. I can just feel it, based on f**k all.

“I’ll meet the man of my dreams and move into his huge house, I’ll get that promotion I’ve been overlooked for for the past five years, and I wouldn’t mind betting on a substantial win on the Lottery now that I’m on a roll in the future.

“I know I said this last year, but 2025 was all about getting bad shit out of the way so that untrammelled good things can happen in 2026. Pretty sure that’s how life works.”

Astrologer Mary Fisher said: “I’ve consulted the stars and I can confirm that Donna’s life will remain mostly unchanged, and fairly shit. We call that destiny, or being a lazy, unfocused cow.

“If anything things will get worse for Donna in 2026 due to an incredibly freak accident in June involving a large plastic statue of Gandalf. You gotta laugh.”