THREE days into the New Year, what have you sworn to do without but are already wrestling with your powerful desire for?

Dr Helen Archer, consultant surgeon: “Alcohol. Instead I’m using simple baby wipes to clean instruments before major surgery. It’s hard, and I’ve already lost two patients, but I’m managing one day at a time.”

Wayne Hayes, Uber driver: “I’ve given up masturbating but not, unusually, pornography. And honestly it would have been easier the other way around.”

Emma Bradford, teaching assistant: “Month-long fast. It’s fine, I’ve piled on weight in advance like a motherf**king grizzly.”

Julian Cook, beastmaster: “Using fire. Yeah, bet none of the rest of your pious bastards thought of that one, did you? It’s the new ultra-processed food as far as I’m concerned.”

Margaret Gerving, retired: “Coprophilia. And wouldn’t you know it, suddenly it’s everywhere.”