US President Donald Trump has declared that the United States will occupy Venezuela as long as necessary to steer media attention away from his close ties with Jeffrey Epstein. During a press conference, Trump mentioned that invading a country typically guarantees weeks of news coverage, adding, 'It could be more, who knows. We'll stay as long as it takes.'

When questioned about the redacted Epstein files, Trump deflected by discussing US military actions in Venezuela. He hinted at having a picture of Venezuelan President Maduro in handcuffs, which he promised to share on Truth Social.

Trump even entertained a conspiracy theory proposed by a Fox News reporter that Venezuela might be behind the Epstein files, proclaiming, 'Many people are saying Venezuela has the worst Epstein files. The worst. Someone should look into that.'

Pentagon sources revealed that other potential distractions were considered, such as declaring war on TikTok, arresting the moon, and launching new Trump NFTs, but they ultimately chose Venezuela as the 'cleanest option.' According to one source, 'Nobody's thinking about old files when there are aircraft carriers.'

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Headline by Anthony Bell