WAKING with a hangover that is literally headsplitting – a mixture of red, green and cerebral matter is trickling from a gash in my forehead – I apply a plaster and reflect on my New Year sermon.

I had chosen to address the timely theme of resolutions. Having already examined my own conscience and lifestyle and finding nothing that required remedying in myself, I turned my attention to my flock.

‘You people have got to pull your socks up in 2026!’ I thundered from the pulpit, before proceeding to issue a list of resolutions by which they should abide.

‘First, the use of the so-called word “hollibobs”. I’ve warned you about this before but still I hear it, often followed by a chortle. This must stop.

‘Second – chortling! No more chortling in 2026 to Marina Hyde, Have I Got News for You or whatever supposed satire it is. If you’re chortling, you’ve no idea how deadly serious things are.

‘Three! Going on about how great Nick Cave is. He’s overrated and we’re tired of his reasons for gigging in Israel. He was better when he was a smackhead.

‘Four! Using “amount” when you mean “number”. It’s amount of flour, number of flowers, get it? Small thing but it annoys me every time I hear it!

‘Okay, that’ll do, now go in peace to love and serve the Lord. Amen.’

With a reflective smile, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Mike Graham, former Talk TV host, launched an attack on London’s New Year’s Eve fireworks display, complaining of its wokeness and that its ‘messaging was offensive’.

Really, Mike? Did they project lights saying ‘MIKE GRAHAM IS AN IGNORANT, REPELLENT TWAT’ on the night sky? Or was it just a fireworks display and lightshow, the same as every year? It seems the issue was an EU flag being shown among all the flags of the world – oh the horror – and the Star of David disappearing from the Israeli flag, actually a technical glitch affecting other blue and white flags. Which you might have considered, Mike, but that would have ruined your right-wing agenda about antisemitism and Sadiq Khan! Go jump in a river, you total idiot!

An article in the Financial Times discussed the loathing towards Keir Starmer and chancellor Rachel Reeves, which the writer of the piece and the pair’s allies find striking.

Really? Bit of a head-scratcher, you reckon? Two politicians with the collective charm of a loading bay, one of them a lump of piggy-eyed, cowardly mendacity who’d suggest firing asylum seekers out of a cannon into the English Channel if he thought it’d claw back half a dozen votes, the other a joyless foghorn who’s still sulking about not being allowed to freeze pensioners to death this winter? It’s amazing they’re not more popular than Sir David Attenborough, if you ask me! ‘Striking’? You need striking upside your heads, you broadsheet idiots!

‘Israel approves 19 new settlements in occupied West Bank’ reads a headline on the BBC News website.

Yeah, that really brings home the innocuousness of the programme, doesn’t it? No mention of Palestinians being moved from their homes to make way for immigrants from Russia and America, or the breach of international law or the hundreds killed to pave the way for this project! This isn’t Butlins announcing plans to open 19 holiday camps, you docile, de facto genocide apologists! Stop euphemising everything so it fits with your Everything Is Normal, Keep Calm And Carry On worldview!

Finally, New Years’ Eve viewers were once again treated to the musical cavalcade which is Jools’ Annual Hootenanny.

Jesus, how many years is it now that New Year’s Eve has been immiserated by this stooping, obsequious, sub-Dickensian little man? 30? 40? Are we gonna have to wait for him to die before we can enjoy New Year’s Eve at home? This ivory-tickling, endullening runt, reducing all modes of music to a mush of faux-authentic boogie-woogie! Having to watch Jools on New Year’s Eve is like having a hangover in advance!