EasyJet has introduced a set of cabin bag rules that are so contradictory, they could give a stand-up comedian a run for their money. The rules are designed to be simple yet hilariously impossible to follow, leaving passengers scratching their heads.

First up, cabin bags must be less than 45mm long yet over 35km wide—it's a mystery how one might accomplish that. If your bag is bigger than a human finger in circumference but shorter than the distance from Leicester to Nottingham, expect to pay extra fees calculated by some mysterious airline formula.

In a twist of fashion comedy, any clothing with pockets is now considered a bag. If you dare to wear such garments, prepare to be weighed and charged for them as if they were luggage. Stripping down is an option, but unfortunately, flying in the buff is not allowed.

The pièce de résistance: Your under-seat bag must fit inside the historic Stone of Scone, used in British coronations. Bring proof of fit signed by the Archbishop of Canterbury, no more than 18 hours before takeoff.

For personal bags, EasyJet suggests they be ghostly or incorporeal. If airport staff can't pass their hands through your handbag, you might end up buying all the empty seats on your flight, or the next one if it's full.

As for the overhead lockers, they're reserved for the first-class treatment of gold and fine art valued above £500,000. Attempting to stash your baseball cap up there could cost you an aircraft's worth of fines.

And if you're carrying money, either cash or on a card, be prepared to transfer it into a Ryanair account (we're not even sure how they got involved) for the flight's duration plus a cool 90 days.