A MAN who is home alone watching Jools Holland’s Hootenanny on New Year’s Eve has begun masturbating as a challenge to himself to sink even lower. 

Nathan Muir of Nuneaton has no invites from family, no friends answering the phone and was banned from his local pub after what he did on Christmas Day, but after a quick fumble in his trousers believes he is yet to reach rock bottom.

He said: “Who’s on it? Lulu? Well, if she’s good enough for David Bowie.

“It’s been a shit of a year. Lost my job, lost about six subsequent jobs, lost contact with the kids – not through court or anything, I just haven’t bothered to call – and lost my Income Support on the £20 roulette machine. Plus these haemorrhoids haven’t cleared up.

“My best mate’s not been round since the incident where I stole and crashed his van. The library won’t let me in so I’ve not looked at porn since June. I might as well steer into this.

“Of course, Lulu won’t be on at midnight. I’ll be ejaculating all over my fat gut to the sound of the pipes and drums of the 1st Battalion Scots Guards playing Auld Lang Syne, so there’s irony at my personal nadir.

“And after that? 2026 will be all uphill for me. It has to be.”