Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro has expressed profound relief after confirming that a mysterious late-night flight on a private jet to a faraway island did not, in fact, require him to have sex with former US President Donald Trump, despite initial fears based on recent international precedent.

Speaking to the media today, a visibly relieved Maduro said he had spent the entire journey mentally preparing for “the worst-case scenario”, after aides informed him the trip involved secrecy, deniability, and a man with a famously flexible understanding of boundaries.

Insiders say the misunderstanding arose after Maduro’s intelligence team reviewed recent international developments and concluded that secret flights involving powerful men come with a 'non-zero probability of physical expectations'.

“When they said ‘private jet’, ‘no phones’, ‘New York billionaire’ and ‘we’ll explain later’, I assumed it was going that way,” Maduro said. "Being locked up in an American prison for the next 30 years feels like a win by comparison”.

Trump said the reason for meeting with Maduro was strictly business. “It was very legal, very respectful, maybe the most respectful meeting anyone’s ever had”.

Headline by Chris Auld