I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?

You may have got the impression I was planning to increase business rates for pubs but instantly caved when the Mail and Sun started kicking up a fuss about it. No. It was because I love pubs, and am always ‘up the boozer’ having ‘banters’ with ‘the lads’. Although usually it’s just Rachel Reeves.

It is no exaggeration to say that pubs are the heart and lungs of Britain and without them society could not function. Every night these beloved community hubs are thronged with Britons uniting as a nation to enjoy a traditional sharing platter and a fight.

That is why I will fight to my last breath to protect our public houses and your right to drink in them – your right to put on weight, your right to develop an alcohol dependency, your right to come home shitfaced and piss in a wardrobe.

Yes, I am passionate about what we drinkers call ‘the old rub-a-dub’. And if you doubt my commitment, let me tell you another boring story about my father. Every night he would come home weighed down by the bag of tools he used to make tools, exhausted but brimming with self-respect after an honest day’s graft.

The first thing he would say to me was: ‘Keir, lad, run to t’pub and tell t’landlord to ‘ave a packet of cheese and onion crisps waiting for me.’ I’m not sure why he turned Northern, but I feel an anecdote so unquestionably true proves my love of pubs is genuine.

And that is why I’m going to the pub right now, for a refreshing yard of ale without the bleeding missus going on at me. That’s a normal thing to do at 9am, right?