Proving to the world that he does peace better than anyone in the history of peace, FIFA Peace Prize recipient Donald Trump has calmly, respectfully and very peacefully started a harmonious new war with Venezuela.

A spokesperson for FIFA said invading a sovereign nation and forcefully removing its leader was exactly the type of peace they had in mind when awarding the prize.

“Peace takes many forms, some of them violent,” the spokesperson said. “Nothing says ‘peace’ like sending an aircraft carrier, 11 warships, a dozen F-35 aircraft and 15,000 troops to remove the Government of another nation. Some people call it war, but we prefer to call it a peaceful, conflict-forward approach to foreign relations”.

FIFA said Trump showed trademark restraint and grace when choosing to spontaneously and forcefully invade Venezuela. “We’re told US troops were under instruction to be very polite when capturing the Venezuelan leader at gunpoint and forcibly moving him to New York. That’s precisely the sort of peaceful approach to unprovoked wartime violence this award is all about”.

Trump, speaking from a podium decorated with white doves, said the conflict was the most peaceful war anyone has ever seen. “It’s a beautiful war. Very gentle. Very serene. Some people are saying it’s more peaceful than peace itself. FIFA loved it. They called me and said, ‘Sir, this is exactly the kind of war we give peace prizes for.’”

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Headline by Matt Harvey