A MAN who has no time to himself due to his three children is jealous of victims of the male loneliness epidemic.

Despite media concern about the growing number of men who are socially isolated, solitude-starved Julian Cook feels endless loneliness would be a massive lifestyle improvement.

Cook said: “Quietly drifting through the years without having to watch Moana hundreds of times? Where do I sign up?

“When I read about these neckbeards starved of human contact and intimacy, I can’t help but wish I were in their position. Imagine how incredible it must feel to get a full night’s sleep and then do f**k all. It’s like some crazy dream.

“I used to be like those guys, desperate to get laid and thinking a girlfriend would solve all my problems. Nope. Now I have to drag myself to kids’ football practice every Sunday and watch my bank balance nosedive.

“I get that it’s a serious social problem, but so is paying £60 just to go to the cinema. And it’s not like I’ve got time to make friends, either. Those sad bastards don’t realise how good they’ve got it.”

Cook’s son James said: “With that attitude, dad might get what he wants soon. At least that’s what mum says.”